How To Procrastinate

Work Your Way To The Top By Successfully Procrastinating. Secret Tips That Your Government Doesn’t Want You To Know About.

Today you “have to” do maths, finish an essay and learn some Spanish. Or maybe you’ve already got a job and you need to get some invoices done… something along those lines.

Your challenge is to avoid the above.

First things first: Write a to-do list. This is a good way to put off doing your work for a precious five minutes, under the pretext that you are “preparing .” If done well, you can stretch the five minutes to ten. Remember to add lots of useless things to your list like, “Listen to music,” and “Eat chocolate chip cookies.” Adding useless things helps make the list longer, and gives you extra things to do that will put off your work.

After you’ve done your to-do list, just “quickly” go on WordPress. Get carried away reading other people’s blogs, and remember to comment. Your comment won’t come out right/will sound a bit rude/weird at first, so you’ll have to waste about ten minutes of your life re-wording it. Craft it correctly to make it is the perfect comment. Add emojis in the right places, and make sure you don’t use the word “Great” twice in a row. Google some synonyms so that your comment won’t sound strained and repetitive.

Realise that you’ve just wasted about 40 minutes on WordPress, when you could have been living your life a lot more productively. Justify it by telling yourself, “It’s an investment,” and “It’s good spread yourself around the blogosphere so that more people will know about your blog.” Also, maybe one day you’ll get so successful that you can make money out of blogging, right? Then all that commenting and liking will be worth it.

Remember that you haven’t yet had breakfast. You’ll just have to have a coffee, because you’ve wasted enough time already! Wrong! That’s not the spirit at all. Get caught up in making the ultimate breakfast with a proper fried egg. Take about twelve photos of it from different angles, and post on Instagram. Eat.

Wash up. Then, make a mug of tea to drink while you’re doing your work. Get your textbook out and open it. Oh yeah! You need to check your e-mail to see if that potential customer/guy from Amazon got back to you. Log in and see that your friends have sent you lots of e-mails. Take your time replying.

Look at your watch. Urgh. Stare depressed-ly into your cup of tea. Put on some music. Aaah, now that helps, doesn’t it? Wait, what does this song actually mean? You were going to look it up a few days ago but you never got round to it. “Quickly” Google it now. End up reading a whole thread on a forum about it. Out of the corner of your eye, see your to-do list. OMG. HOW MUCH TIME HAVE YOU JUST WASTED? See how many songs have just played, and add up the duration of each song to see how long you’ve just spent online. Drink your tea.

Start working on your first maths question/replying to a potential client. Oooh, this music’s really good. You haven’t listened to this song in  AGES have you? It’s actually better than you remember. You should listen to this band more often. Imagine being able to do a drum solo like that!

Tell yourself to focus. Finish five maths questions. Gosh, that took  ages. You really need to brush up on your maths. But right now, you need a break. Netflix exists…

You’ll only watch ONE episode on Netflix. You watch it. You turn back to your maths. “Next episode playing in 5… 4… 3…” You watch the next episode. And the next. And…

Twitter is open in another tab. You quickly click to it and start writing a Tweet. It takes a few attempts because you keep going over the allowed character limit. You finally settle with, “I’m meant to be doing my work – but Netflix is distracting me. Help!” And then you end up spending 30 minutes on Twitter.

You’re doing brilliantly. Keep going. Soon you’ll be hopeless with no real life, sucked into the alluring vortex of the online world. Celebrate with another Netflix episode.



6 thoughts on “How To Procrastinate

  1. omg omg you just described my whole life. This was brilliantly written and so accurate; I love reading your posts.

    I am definitely on WordPress now simply for a distraction. I have four more tabs to read. And it’s nearly 7 (pm). Maybe I’ll start that homework around 9…at least I’ve opened my backpack

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, Thank you so so much!! It really means a lot to me that someone likes reading my posts, it actually makes me really happy. And thank you very much for commenting 🙂

      I’m glad you can relate! Well, obviously not GLAD but it’s good to know I’m not the only one XD


  2. Pingback: 11 Things I don’t Like About Myself | thisizapen

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