How To Fail Your Day

If you ever need any advice on how to fail your day, I am the ideal person to come to. Seriously, I swear that’s why god made me. Here are some tips to get you started. With some luck, you’ll soon become an expert like I am.

1. Think that despite waking up late, you still have a lot of time ahead of you to do useful things. Start your work. Then, realise that you forgot to eat breakfast. Waste five minutes of your life because you’re in a dilemma of whether to skip breakfast and get on with your day – at the risk of running out of fuel – or eat breakfast and feel full, but lose some time.

2. Decide not to eat your breakfast. Stare at the computer screen blankly while trying to remember why you opened it up. As soon as it comes to you, register the fact that you are dying for a piss. Go to the toilet, and afterwards get distracted by brushing your teeth (which you forgot to do earlier).

3. Wander into your bedroom and start tidying up, forgetting that work exists and needs to be done. Half finish the job before remembering your computer sitting open in the living room.

4. Rush back to the living room. Ooh, you better just quickly check your mail to see if you’ve got any WordPress updates. YES! You have an eff-load of e-mails telling you that so-and-so liked and commented on your post. In fact, your whole inbox is full of notifications. Forget that there is a “Mark As Read” button, and click each “like” notification e-mail just so that you don’t have anything “unread”. You could just look at them on WordPress, but that’s not the point; the point is to lessen the number of “unread” messages in your inbox. This should take quite a while.

5. Head over to your WordPress reader just to read a few posts. Then, notice that Opinionated Man has published a potentially offensive blog entry with a catchy title. Click on it and spend seven minutes smiling at the funny things he’s written, and then spend ten more trying to write a witty comment. Then read some stuff that he’s reblogged and end up following those people and reading all their latest posts.

6. Look at your watch with dismay when you see that you’ve just spent an hour filling your mind with other people’s thoughts and not having any useful brain activity. Decide to write your own post, but then spend 10 minutes trying to think of what it should be about. You haven’t read any interesting books lately, no-one famous has died and it’s not Valentine’s Day. Maybe you could write a review of that film you just watched?

7. Try to think of a clever opening sentence. Your brain will fail you for a quarter of an hour as your eyes glaze over the blank white draft. Finally figure something out, but then get stuck trying to think of synonyms for “very cool” and “great”. Fail to think of anything beyond “amazing” and “sweet”. Momentarily get stuck between them and then settle for the blander option.

8. After two hours of writer’s block, publish your post before realising that you forgot to tag it and add a photo. Complete the job and then get distracted answering comments. In a fit of martyrdom, close your WordPress tab, losing the draft of a response comment.

9. Get even more caught up in surfing the internet, losing track of time and the outside world. Notice how bloody hungry you are and open the fridge. Finding no inspiration there, decide to treat yourself by going out for some chips. Come home way later than you expected you would.

10. Begin your work, but then answer the phone. Have an hour-long conversation with your friend whom you haven’t seen in over a year. Afterwards, return to your work having lost ALL inspiration. Stay up into the night trying to rekindle the motivation you once possessed. Finally, go to bed late feeling like you’ve failed. Wake up late the next day as a result, and begin the cycle again.

For more tips, check out my other post: How To Procrastinate

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