I sometimes find very sunny days depressing. I have mentioned this in passing to friends and been met with incredulous whys. These reactions surprise me because I do not see my response to such weather as strange. I have, however been led to question what exactly it is about sunny days that makes me feel so down.
It is not that I have nothing fun to do. It is not that I have nobody to spend sunny days with. It is not that I am indoors rather than outdoors enjoying the sun.
I do not feel like I am missing out.
Neither do I feel some kind of spiteful displeasure at other people’s happiness.
The reason why is because very sunny days usually happen when the sky is incredibly clear. This means that there is not enough vapour or dust floating around in the atmosphere to sufficiently mute the harsh glare of our star. Neither are there cloud formations to offer the eye some variation. All I see when I look up is a lurid sun and a massive expanse of blue. Just blue, stretching around and up for miles and miles. There is no ceiling, no buffer of clouds, and this makes me scared. When I look up I see a nothingness, and although I know that beyond the blue there are other planets and stars, all I can see is an infinity of empty sky. Infinity scares me.
A more physical reason for my dislike of very sunny days is the dehydration that occurs. Dehydration not only makes me thirsty, but it makes me lethargic.
Such is a mixture of fatigue and fear of infinity that lead me back into my house to dodge the glowering sun.
Immediately my vision is obscured by splodges of fluorescent colour that take longer than they should to dissipate. I sip water from a cool glass. The sluggishness has already set in. I find inside the house that even through the windows the sun has the power to draw out my energy.
Maybe it is human energy that powers the sun.
It is funny how I really like the sun at other times. It is beautiful when it shines through gaps between leaves and trees. When it shines through leaves themselves. When it dyes the clouds at dawn or peeks through the dust at sunset. The sun is the ultimate symbol of passion and power emanating. It is only in isolation, surrounded by empty blueness that it appears to be glowering.