After our upstairs neighbors moved out a few weeks ago, some clothes arrived for them in the post. It wasn’t worth us posting the clothes to them. And the neighbors weren’t coming back. They gave us permission to keep them. My sister and I were then in a dilemma of whether to sell the clothes on Ebay or to wear them. If we kept them we could DIY ’em into something worth wearing. But they were so formal. Selling the clothes could earn us some cash. Which would mean money to buy band shirts or actual gig tickets. We decided on the Ebay option. As a result, I stayed up late crafting the perfect listing for a pair of shoes included with the clothes. Had real fun with that! Here’s what I wrote:
“Completely new, never-worn pointed black loafers with tassel features, metal heel decoration and crimping on the edges from Next. Size 3.5 UK (36 EUR)
These shoes are perfect for the young business executive seeking to make a name for herself in the corporate world. They are smart, with shiny heels and are guaranteed to help you navigate your way around the workplace – giving you confidence as you work your way up the business ladder. They are elegant enough to catch envious glances from your colleagues and co-workers and retain their utilitarian values.
They are not scratched or missing items of decoration at all. They are not dirty or dusty, and they do not have bleach stains on them. Neither do they have chocolate stains or grease marks from sugar-cookie batter. Or pancake batter. They have not been dragged through any muddy puddles, swamps or nuclear power stations. In fact, you will find no traces of plutonium or mercury on them, or any radioactive substances for that matter. I have searched thoroughly for any remnants of Martian viruses, and found my result to be negative. So there won’t be any risk of catching interplanetary diseases. There is not a scratch on the shoes’ soles, only the carefully crafted ridges in the rubber that ensure stable steps as you make your way around the shiny-floored offices of your new work building.
They have never been tried on, so there hasn’t been an opportunity for there to be tears, or holes in the bases. Neither have I soaked them in pancake batter or attempted to fry them tempura-style. In the same way, you won’t spot soya sauce stains adorning the lining, or Dorito crumbs that have accumulated at the bottoms of the shoes. You’ll be delighted to know that they haven’t been ripped apart by wild hyenas either. I have kept them well away from wild animals, and they’ve never come into contact with vicious boars or mentally ill lions. What else haven’t they come into contact with? Well, for starters, grizzly bears, Sumatran tigers, vengeful chimpanzees and pizza residue. I personally haven’t used the loafers as drinking vessels, but there’s no knowing what the staff at Next did with the shoes before they came into my possession. Possibly used them to hold spare bodily fluids while operating on A&E victims, as they struggled with the workload of juggling their job at Next and their responsibilities in the hospital where they work week-nights. But I can’t tell; I didn’t know the shoes back then. To be safe, if you have an issue with using blood-encrusted shoes, don’t buy them. I must say, I haven’t spotted any of that stuff though. So you should be safe.
I regret to inform you that the shoes I’m listing have not come into contact with Elvis Presley or Santa Claus. This might be partly due to the fact that Elvis died long before the shoes were manufactured, and Santa Claus is too busy crafting hand-made toys to deliver to us at Christmas time to try on ladies’ work shoes. Still, the fact that the products I am listing haven’t been inspected by the two above celebrities is not something I’m prepared to take lightly. My deepest apologies to you. I hope you can forgive this defect. Something else I would like to add is that Neil Armstrong did not wear the shoes on his trip to Earth’s only natural satellite. They haven’t been tried on by Barack Obama, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix or Lady Gaga either. I hope you can overlook this issue and that our business relationship is not affected in any way by the shoes’ lack of a claim to fame. It would upset me if you were somehow affected by this turn of events. To make up for the issue, there is no saying that the Buddha didn’t bless them in a past life! Who knows? Maybe you will receive a renewal of positive energy from trying them on. Perhaps you’ll find a perpetual stream of income in your bank account. Your new promotion and serious elevation of office status might be a result of these loafers! Imagine eternal bliss, freedom from human suffering and free Chinese takeaways – all because you decided to buy this pair of shoes. Have you ever wanted a Mansion? A Harley Davidson? A free round-the-world trip with complementary head massages included? Well, all those things may possibly come into your possession on the off-chance that the Buddha blessed this footwear. Though why he would do such a thing remains a mystery to me. It might have been to illustrate the point that everything is connected and one with the universe. By blessing the footwear he was also blessing humanity and infinite matter. So if you want to take the chance, buy these shoes.
If it turns out that the Buddha didn’t bless them (after all, he was a spiritually enlightened person and not a bored teenager) then at least there is the chance that in previous lives, the shoes came into contact with every member of the Rolling Stones, the full lineup of The Beatles and everyone in the 27 Club. Hell, they could even have BEEN a member of a famous band. After all, there is no rule that a human can’t come back at a pair of shoes. Ever wanted to take Amy Winehouse into work? Well, now you (possibly) can.
Excluding the possibility that human beings can be reincarnated as work attire, here are some other reasons you might like to buy these shoes:
-I’ve never spat into them.
-My three-year-old toddler has never peed in them. I don’t even have a three-year-old toddler, so even better!
-In a previous life, they might have been the microphone that Jim Morrison sung into.
-I have not tried to use them as kindling when stranded in the middle of the Arctic.
-They have never belonged to Hitler.
-They have had no part in any kidnappings, burglaries or attempted bank robberies.
-Maybe you are the reincarnation of King Arthur and they are the reincarnation of Excalibur, and once you are united you will be unstoppable.
-You aren’t restricted to wearing them to work; if you want you can use them while hiking or canoeing in the Amazon. Just don’t blame me when you get blisters.
-These shoes will possibly make you a multi-millionaire because the shiny heels will dazzle your bosses into giving you extra pay.
-You might gain so much confidence from wearing these awe-inspiring shoes that you are motivated to study the art of hypnotism, thereby using your newly learnt skills on your landlord and never having to pay rent again.
-When they are too old to wear to work, job interviews, parties, gigs, mosh pits, engagement ceremonies, prize-givings, Arctic expeditions, circus performances, space travel and trips to Asda, you can burn them as central heating.
-You can stuff them down the throat of your least favourite politician.
Failing these, you and your mates can shrink down to fairy-size and use the shoes as rowing boats to paddle down the sewer with. If you drown in feces don’t take me to court. Assuming that you don’t feel like immersing yourself in toilet water, you could always find a cheap cannon and fire your shoes at the noisy neighbours. They might complain to the police or die, but at least you would have got out the anger at that you’ve stored up inside. However, the alternative is to use them to grow garlic in. That way you will never have to face vampire attacks, and spending disproportionate amounts of money of on silver crucifixes and personal spell-casters will be unnecessary. If you don’t want to waste the shoes on growing garlic, but you hate jazz music, you could try hurling the loafers off your balcony at the head of the local pianist. But first make sure he actually plays jazz music, otherwise you’re wasting the shoes.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions regarding the items in my listing, or if you have problems with determining the past-lives of footwear that come into your possession.”
I spent SO long typing that – see the splendidness of it? And after all that, the shoes sold for £11. The world is fair. Huh! I cannot believe that after all my hard work they only sold for eleven quid. And the person who bought them didn’t use capitals when they sent me their address. Seriously – how sloppy. I bet they didn’t even read the listing properly. I mean, it didn’t even go viral. At least I had fun writing it.
Dear reader, I commend you for getting this far. Your stamina is admirable – thank you!